Just look at that photo above!
Those two starry-eyed kids on the upper left are my not-yet parents, and like most teenagers, they’re staring at each other instead of the photographer!
Christmas is this coming Sunday, and I’m writing this on the Tuesday before. This will be the first Christmas both of my parents will be absent from my Christmas dinner, served on the table they bought as newlyweds.
Both of them were ill before they passed, and the common phrase heard was,
at least they’re not sick now, or they’re together now, or the “perhaps it’s for the best”, was my least favorite.
Friends and family both suffered, not knowing what to say or how, that I understood.
What I don’t understand is how to DO Christmas this year. My “routine” has been disrupted. For the past almost-four years, I’ve baked pies and Christmas cookies, decorated trees and front porches all under the watchful eyes of my mother. She most enjoyed watching me decorate the living room mantle. I could tell when she approved, and also when she thought I’d been “excessive”, after all, I’ve spent my entire life trying/wanting to please her. Surely, you know what I’m talking about…life is easier when Momma is happy!
So, as I decorate this year, I’ve taken more photos than usual, posted them more often than in the past, and have asked my husband, “do you like it?” a million times. He plays along, he always likes everything I do now, probably afraid to say NO, fearing an instant meltdown!
Christmas Past was easier, wasn’t it?
A child is on the receiving end of a holiday, the adult is on the doing and giving end of a holiday, they MAKE the holiday happen for the child!
I’ve been an “adult” for decades now (doesn’t matter how many y’all!), but now with my mother gone, my last parent, the child in me is uncertain of HOW the holidays and celebrations will work from now on.
Who will I decorate for, bake for, cook for, clean for, shop for, buy Christmas cards for, set the table for…from now on?
Who will watch me carefully, lest I make a mistake?
Who will smile slightly at me and nod approvingly?
I will.
Me, Myself and I.
I will.
After my mom passed away, my youngest daughter said that “the baton had been passed,” and referred to me as the “Matriarch” of the family now.
Wow!
Absorbed by my own loss, I didn’t realize the depth of my daughters’ grief, losing their dearly loved grandmother.
So, without my mother telling me to, I stood a little taller, a little straighter, and said ,”Yes, I am.”
With or without my parents sitting at my table this year for Christmas, their presence will be felt and known in their children’s lives and their grandchildren’s lives. They will not be forgotten but cherished for years to come.
As the “Matriarch,” I’ve decorated, baked and will cook Christmas dinner as I always have. My children and grandchildren will be visiting in shifts this year, each one with their own schedules to follow, and I’m grateful to be able to see them.
Life will move on, differently than before, but in a positive and loving direction for my family, which includes my brothers and their families.
I will be fine.
I’ve been a well-loved child for many years, and what more could I ask for?
Now, I’ll pass that feeling and knowledge on to my children, the certainty of an unconditional love from me, from their Savior, from loving grandparents whom they will see again.
That is Family.
My wish for you this Christmas and for the New Year, is a life lived richly, filled with Blessings unfolded and unconditional Love.
Blessings to You,
Love is the presence she inspires… and responsibility to love others. She did her role well… as will you. Much love to you this season.
Sweetie, my friend, I thank you for your sweet comments. I intend to be the best I can be for my family, though my mother’s shoes can never be filled.